Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
