I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Boobs speak an international language.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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