I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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