Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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