she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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