I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
