shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
