I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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