Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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