idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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