Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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