Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
