life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
