At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
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i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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