I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
sex in a hospital.. check
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
