I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
