my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize