Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb

Replies (33) Good night (10047) Bad night (976)
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(631): View more from New York

But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.

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(631): But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures. http://tfl.nu/g3us

Replies (12) Good night (1115) Bad night (2737)
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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(805): found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt. http://tfl.nu/65bm

Replies (24) Good night (6348) Bad night (681)
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(778): View more from British Columbia

The beer is more important than you right now.

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(778): The beer is more important than you right now. http://tfl.nu/guwa

Replies (8) Good night (3682) Bad night (1471)
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(205): View more from Alabama

Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.

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(205): Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit. http://tfl.nu/78iu

Replies (9) Good night (1053) Bad night (3980)
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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(586): LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT http://tfl.nu/bpk7

Replies (19) Good night (2484) Bad night (1379)
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(510): View more from California

I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.

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(510): I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA. http://tfl.nu/zpwo

Replies (5) Good night (1461) Bad night (576)
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(713): View more from Texas

That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.

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(713): That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes. http://tfl.nu/7uvj

Replies (10) Good night (1526) Bad night (830)
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(303): View more from Colorado

As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....

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(303): As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak..... http://tfl.nu/pe8z

Replies (1) Good night (1055) Bad night (544)
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(909): View more from California

It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me

(626): View more from California

And a merry methadone to all

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(909): It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me (626): And a merry methadone to all http://tfl.nu/a55x

Replies (2) Good night (1187) Bad night (678)
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(954): View more from Florida

You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me

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(954): You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me http://tfl.nu/uohb

Replies (2) Good night (767) Bad night (332)
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.

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(412): You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room. http://tfl.nu/nfbu

Replies (4) Good night (1124) Bad night (315)
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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.

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(870): I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much. http://tfl.nu/q81h

Replies (0) Good night (553) Bad night (424)
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(512): View more from Texas

This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's

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(512): This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's http://tfl.nu/e5h3

Replies (3) Good night (602) Bad night (331)
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(518): View more from New York

Wow. Last night.

(1-518): View more from New York

I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"

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(518): Wow. Last night. (1-518): I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen" http://tfl.nu/7dw8

Replies (2) Good night (575) Bad night (296)

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