this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
