I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made