Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal