My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
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they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
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oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.