I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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