I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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