she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
