someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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