dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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