all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she smelled like a LAN party
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
