I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We are two peas in an std pod
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
