Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
