Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
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Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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