I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
