Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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