Who wears a wallet chain?!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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