Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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