At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
