Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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