mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
