yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
