So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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