She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
