I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
