Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
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