He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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