I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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