I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
