seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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