just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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