i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
