I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
