I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
