omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
