The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
