i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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