I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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