Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
