dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize