i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
