His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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